[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Hello, Carol?
Bud Bundy here.
Hello?
Hello, Carol? Don't hang up. I got tickets to the concert.
Yes. It's Bud Bundy.
Yep.
What would you say to a couple of primo seats
to the Jimmy Dick and the Nighsticks concert Saturday?
Well, yeah, you'd have to go with me.
I think it's worth it too.
Good. Good.
What say I pick you up at 8:00?
Ciao, baby.
Ah...
So many women, so little time.
Not me.
I got one woman, too much time.
I'm not really interested, Dad.
Listen, I really want to impress this girl,
so could you drive me?
Oh, could you wear one of those stupid chauffeur hats?
And put something under your arm
so it looks like you're packing a rod.
Why, Bud?
What your father's got under there already
is far more lethal.
Al, the termite control man would like to speak to you.
Oh, why?
I keep telling you, we don't have termites.
It's just the house settling.
Kel, did you get the tickets for the concert?
I sure did... and backstage passes.
All right, Kel. You're a goddess.
Give me my tickets.
Oh, I decided not to get you any.
See, it was either use your money
to get four regular concert tickets
or to get two tickets and two backstage passes for me,
so I'm taking my ugly friend, Mandy.
That way, Jimmy will only look at me.
I'm so happy.
Well, Kel...
I'm happy for you, but... what the hell about me?
Oh, Bud...
I'm going to meet Jimmy Dick!
He's got this house in Jamaica.
Do you know what I would do for a house in Jamaica?
Yeah, the same thing you'd do
for dinner and a movie.
Getting back to my petty problem, see,
I finally got a date with a girl who has a waist.
I've never had waist before.
I've gotta have someplace to take her.
Come on, Bud.
I'm sure there's plenty of places
you could take her instead.
I know.
The Peanuts Gang on Ice is in town!
You know I'll devote the rest of my life
to get revenge on you.
Well, I'm not too worried.
See, I'll always have the smell of Clearasil
to warn me that you're coming.
How could we have termites?
Kids, didn't I tell you to wipe your feet
before you come into the house?
Now look. We have termites.
Now, kids, don't be ashamed.
Even the finest homes have termites.
Of course, they get them from homes like ours.
Hey, Kel, Dad's in a real bad mood.
Be on your best behavior.
The least little thing could get you grounded.
Don't worry.
I cleaned up my room. I did all my chores.
I'm untouchable.
Hey, Dad. Report card day.
I got four A's and a B, but enough about me.
Batter up.
I, uh...I lost it.
Well...this is your lucky day...
because I found it.
It must have fallen out of your purse
and accidentally got taped under your bed.
How did she do?
Ahem.
F, F, F, D.
What happened, Kel, you attend one?
Kelly, this is the worst one yet.
Now, we're going to have to think
of a punishment for this.
Hey, I'm sure you'll think of something.
Oh, by the way, have a good time at that concert Saturday, Kel.
Concert?
You think that you're going to a concert this weekend?
No way. You're grounded.
Grounded?
Kelly, you have got to learn responsibility.
Honey, would you like to see
some of your father's old report cards?
He didn't think studying was important either.
Now look at him.
Well, Mom, you're right, of course,
but won't you reconsider?
I mean, I just know
Kelly will study for Monday's math test
right after the concert.
You have a math test Monday?
Damn my loose lips.
Kelly?
Oh, come on.
I mean, when am I ever going to need to know math?
Well, you may need it for your career, you know--
three Whoppers, large fries, and a Coke.
EXTERMINATOR: Yo, Mr. Bundy!
More news on the termite front.
Let me guess.
A termite slipped in the tub, broke his wing,
and he's suing us.
Well, on the good side, he can't get much.
Kel, I know what you're thinking.
"Now, what am I going to do with those tickets?"
Well, since I got you grounded,
I'll take them off your hands.
Do you think that for one second
I'm going to stay here and study
when I'm just a paternity suit
away from Jamaica?
Oh, no, Budrick. No.
I'm sneaking out. I do it all the time.
No house can hold me,
and you are not going to tell on me.
You can count on me, Kel.
Oh, I know I can, because, you see,
I happen know the true identity
of the masked Lovers' Lane Peeper...
You know, the one the whole football team
has a bounty on?
You-- You have no proof.
Oh?
Then, uh...
what would you call this mask and flashlight?
I just look.
So, Mr. Bundy, we tent this baby up,
and in just a couple of days, adios, termites.
Oh yeah? Well, how much will it cost
to tent this baby up?
Just a second. Now, let's see.
We're going to need the special tent.
Special tent? For what?
Well, you know, your house is shaped oddly.
You mean like a house?
Yeah. Too bad.
Now, let's see. You got floors. That's extra.
You got rooms. That's extra.
And windows, too.
Uh-oh.
Now, you got an attached garage, so I'll give you 10% off,
but then it is another room, so that's extra...
plus gratuity....
that comes to $1,750.
Listen, we'll think about it.
We'll let you know.
Okay, but be quick.
Our price goes up next week.
I'm getting my license.
Kelly, you see what happens when you study?
$1,750 a job, $1,750 a year.
Yes, no.
Winner, loser.
Suicide, reason.
Listen, I can squeeze you in on Saturday.
Saturday's fine.
Saturday?
Is a check okay?
No.
Ah, that's just great.
$1,750 for a tent to put over a house.
Listen, why don't we just borrow one of your mother's muumuus?
Hell, if she doesn't wash it,
we won't have to pay for the poison, either.
Well, since they're going to be spraying the house
with pesticides,
the kids and I
will have to find someplace to stay.
I can stay at my friend Mandy's.
Forget it, Kelly.
You're grounded this weekend.
You're staying with the family and studying.
Now, let's see.
We need a place to stay that's cheap and comfortable
and accepts pets.
I got it. We'll sleep in the shoe store.
Oh, honey, please reconsider.
There's still time to get four cardboard boxes
and sleep in the junkyard.
Nah, it's too much like staying at your mother's.
Nah, the shoe store's better and safer.
Once I lock it up, nobody can get in...
Or out.
Oh, sir... it's been 10 minutes.
Don't you think you should get me a shoe?
That's an all-too-common mistake
in the shoe biz, miss.
You see, us real pros
understand the need of holding a foot
and getting a good look at the leg
so we know what we're dealing with.
I hope you're not too uncomfortable.
Well, actually, it turns me on.
We're closed.
Go home, Peg.
I am home, Al.
We're here, Dad.
Oh, Dad!
While you're here,
can I show you some of our bras?
I think I better be going.
Well, could you show me some of yours?
Uh, Al, are these some of the fat women
that you're always complaining about?
That was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, Peg,
and I'm so glad you guys were here to scared it away.
Oh, Peg, didn't you bring him a bone or anything?
Those are $100 pumps.
Buck! Here, boy!
Here, take this. This one's on sale.
Isn't that cute, Al?
It's like he knows.
Yeah, it's real cute, Peg.
When he's done with the shoe, why don't you take him
over to the cash register for dessert?
Kel, why don't you just give me the tickets?
You're not getting out of here.
That's what they said about the 10th grade,
but eventually, I will.
Well, it's closing time.
No, really? Look at this.
Go home, Peg.
We're closed.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
No! We've never been more open.
How can I disappoint the poor ladies, Peg?
Have sex with them.
Ha! Ha! I intend to.
Uh, ladies, sit down.
Where are you ladies from?
We're from right next door-- The aerobics studio?
So many times we've passed by
and seen your little face pressed against the window.
Oh, no.
So we thought we'd come in.
Do you have time?
For you? Of course.
Um, what can I do for you?
I was looking for an evening shoe.
Well, all right. Let me measure your chest.
I mean...ha, ha, ha!
I mean your foot.
Sometimes when I'm at a party...
I don't know, I can't help myself.
I think they call it nymphomania.
Every man I see,
I just can't keep my clothes on.
Excuse me, sir.
Since I'm the one buying the shoes,
don't you think you should be measuring my foot?
I'm sorry. She's the nymphomaniac.
Excuse me, sir,
but I'm going to do what all of your customers do--
Go to Morty's for shoes,
where they have much cuter salesmen,
and younger too.
This guy is pretty old.
Maybe we should go to Morty's.
I hope there is a really cute guy there.
Old or not, in another second,
I would have been all over this one.
Ta-ta!
Why, Peg, why?
Oh, because I thought I saw you starting to look happy.
I was just pretending.
You of all people know I'm not happy.
See, it's part of my job
to make the customers feel special.
It's what I do, and I'm proud of it.
I'm a pro. I care.
I need shoes.
Yeah, the blacksmith's right around the corner.
And now we're closed,
and much like my life, my day is over.
Uh, Dad? In case of an emergency,
where are the other exits?
There are no other exits.
But don't worry. Nothing will happen.
But if something does, I've got keys right here...
so you can't leave me behind.
Now, everybody gets a sleeping bag.
Don't rush. There's one for everyone.
Gee, Al, this is great.
When it gets dark, can we all sit around a boot
and tell ghost stories?
We've got canned meat from the survival store,
we've got games from the toy store,
and most importantly, we've got each other.
Family, we're going to have the time of our lives.
Wow, what a nice shoe store!
What's the matter? Aren't we having fun?
Frankly, Daddy, I'm all partied out.
Oh, wow, look at the time.
It's 8:30. I know I'm beat.
Why don't you guys turn in?
If I'm going to do any studying, I'll need quiet.
Hey, look. The movie at the mallplex
must have just let out.
What's the matter?
Haven't you ever seen a family living in a shoe store before?
A lousy eight bucks.
He would not put up a lousy eight bucks for a hotel.
He's a cheap--
Good night, everybody.
And you single guys out there, remember,
this could happen to you.
Peg, that's Morty.
Aw, don't worry, honey. You got me.
Ha, ha, ha. Right.
Hey, Morty, look what I got.
Eat your heart out, buddy.
Well, Peg, I'm depressed enough now to go to bed.
Don't you mean go to bag, honey?
Oh, I knew we should have stayed in a hotel.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, listen. Don't mess up these sleeping bags.
I borrowed them.
And watch what you do with those tags,
because if I lose them, I've got to pay for them.
You guys go to sleep. I'm trying to study.
Oh, then won't you need these books?
Oh, God, I was studying so hard, I thought I had them.
Ow!
Sorry.
Dad, Kelly stepped on me.
Get used to it, son. They do that your whole life.
Ow!
Maybe we should have stayed at a hotel.
Daddy, go to sleep.
I can't. I got a furball in my throat.
Ah, it's not just that.
[GAGGING]
I just feel bad about grounding you and everything
and making you study.
I just want you to do your best.
Right, Daddy. Go to sleep.
Eh, I'm bored.
Listen, is there anything that, you know,
you want to talk about that's bothering you?
Do it now, because when we get home, I won't care.
Everything's great. Go to sleep.
I can't. I'm not tired.
Okay, well, since you're up,
there is something I'd like to talk about.
I have been having
these menstrual problems lately--
Oh, boy, I'm tired.
I think I'll hit the sack.
Oh, listen, hon, stay away from the door,
because the electric eye is on. It's real sensitive.
The alarm will go off.
Hee, hee, hee, hee.
Hey, Peg.
I'm bored. Want to do it?
Al, the kids are here.
Okay, but remember I asked.
See you in the fall.
[SNORING]
You are the lowest.
Stealing from Daddy? Oh, God...
I'm over the wall.
Well, how are you going to get past the electric eye?
The same way you get your dates-- crawl.
[GROANING]
Those damn mannequins look like hookers.
See you in Jamaica.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Uh...green meat attack.
[DOG GROWLS]
What's that, Dad?
Ah, that's Satan, the mall guard dog.
Don't worry about it. He can't get in here.
It's a good thing too. He's a real killer.
[BARKING]
Better than any concert I've ever seen.
[***]